Hatchet

This review is probably going to be on the short side because there's really not that much to say about Hatchet. You've got a group of people who are stranded in a swamp inhabited by a deformed maniac (played ever so brutally by the great Kane Hodder). One by one they are killed while looking for a way out. Pretty generic, right? Well, that's one of Hatchet's strengths.

Hatchet bills itself as "old school American horror," and this is where it succeeds. It knows exactly what kind of movie it is. It's a great, entertaining way to spend an hour and a half. The entire movie boils down to Hodder killing people in all sorts of ways, and it's ever so much fun. The kills are creative and pretty bloody, but not an uncomfortable, why-am-I-watching-this Hostel or Saw kind of bloody. I don't want to go into the details of each kill here because it would ruin the laughably cringe-worthy surprise.

There's really not much more to say other than to reiterate how much fun it is to watch Kane Hodder mercilessly brutalize people in a swamp.

Three and a half stars out of five.

Dead Silence

OK, ladies and gentleman, today I've got a review for Dead Silence, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Wipes and Blue Filters. First, a bit of the plot. Evil ventriloquist (yeah, I know) Mary Shaw was killed by her neighbors (reminiscent of Freddy Krueger) in retribution for the disappearance of some kid who heckled her at a show. Now her ghost is back for revenge with a little help from her dummies. Jamie happens to get a dummy in the mail one day and then the people around him start dying, having their tongues ripped out by the ghost of Mary Shaw.

This movie is blue. The entire movie looks to be shot through a blue filter in what I can only guess is the filmmakers' failed attempt at creating tension in the setting. I suppose the filter is supposed to make the setting seem bleak, but all it did was draw attention to the fact that I was watching a movie. I honestly don't think it's even possible for a place to be as blue as the setting the film. Another piece of overused cinematography in this film are wipes. At one point, the film wiped from one scene into Jamie's eye (as the observer of the scene) and then immediately wiped again into his eye in a different scene. Absolutely ridiculous. The shots of the dead clearly take "inspiration" from The Ring. Corpses are shown with disfigured, twisted faces (due to having their tongues ripped out). They are also apparently posed in photographs by Shaw, which brings to mind the twisted photographs of the deceased in The Ring. Acting-wise, no one does a very good job. Donnie Wahlberg seems to be either medicated or just really, really bored. Ryan Kwanten is a generic pretty boy who apparently can only act broodingly.

To put it bluntly, this isn't a very good movie. It's derivative, boring, and most of all, blue. Sure, it's creepy at times (and only once is a quality scare), but creepiness does not a good horror movie make.

One and a half stars out of five.

Resident Evil: Extinction

Resident Evil: Extinction is the third movie to be based on the game series, following a quality Resident Evil and a terrible second Resident Evil: Apocalypse. I expected the trend to continue and for this movie to be an affront to Jesus and eleven of his twelve apostles. Thankfully, the movie ended up simply being very mediocre, and even has some pretty good things going for it.

In Extinction, most life on Earth has been eradicated by the T-Virus and the few remaining survivors wander the desert in search of a sanctuary. Meanwhile, the friendly neighborhood Umbrella Corporation is trying to use the blood of clones of Alice (Milla Jovovich) to domesticate the zombies. However, Dr. Isaacs (Iain Glen) is secretly using the clone blood to make super zombies. And, of course, Alice is still pissed at Umbrella. I should also mention that the film doesn't really follow the plot of any of the games at all, even though it uses characters from them. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as the majority of films using some sort of source material don't really adhere to closely to it.

One of the big problems with Extinction is that there are very few moments when the characters actually seem to be in any danger. Sure, the opening voice-over describes a world in which the convoy of survivors can't stay in one place too long lest zombies find them, but that never seems to happen. The only time danger is apparent is during actual attacks on the convoy, which only happen twice during the entire movie. This is also when the zombie design breaks down. The opening shots of zombies are pretty well done, with good variety and a believable weathered look. However, when the super zombies show up, they all look exactly the same, which is to say like Viktor Yushchenko in a jumpsuit. It makes the whole movie seem low budget. These zombies also run, which is something I'm not a fan of in zombie films (I prefer shambling), but at least this film gives a reason why the super zombies can run and the other zombies can't (the clone blood mutation). Finally, there's Alice's psychic abilities. They're used as a sort of deus ex machina and nothing more. Just when it looks like our heroes won't make it, Alice slips into psychic mode. It's pretty ridiculous, even for a zombie movie.

I don't want to make it seem all bad. The desert setting works fairly well, as does the convoy element. It's a nice departure from the usual small, claustrophobic settings of zombie films. Surprisingly, Jovovich does some pretty decent acting in this, given the somewhat ridiculous role she had to play. The crow attack was also pretty intense, though it only lasts a few minutes. And, of course, it's a zombie movie, which always nets some points in my mind.

Two and a half stars out of five.

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

The first film I'm gonna review for you guys is the little known Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon. Now, I love bad horror movies, but I always glanced right past this seemingly bad film on the shelves at the movie store for some reason. However, my brother said it looked pretty clever from a preview he had seen. After watching I can honestly say this is one of the best horror movies I've ever seen in my life.

The film basically has two parts. The first part sees a documentary film crew interviewing Leslie Vernon (played impeccably by Nathan Baesel), who claims to be the next great killer, following in the footsteps of Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers. Vernon shows the crew the tricks of the trade, from slight of hand to picking a "Survivor Girl" to the sheer amount of cardio he has to do to make it seem like he's walking while everyone else is running. The second part of the film begins when the film crew realizes that Vernon is absolutely serious about killing people and has a crisis of conscience. Should they simply pack up and leave or should they intervene?

The writing in this film is absolutely phenomenal. It's quite evident the writers are passionate about horror films and know all about the basic horror conventions and clichés and are able to present them in a refreshing and funny new way. The acting is also very, very good. Baesel is perfect in the role of Vernon, calmly and humorously describing his macabre line of work. Scott Wilson has some good scenes as Vernon's mentor, happily reminiscing about the good old days of killing and vehemently stating the world's need for people like him and Vernon. Angela Goethals also does good work with her "I'm not sure if this guy is serious, but let's run with it" role as head documentarian.

In the end, this movie really has to be seen to be believed. I went in expecting a bad movie I could laugh at and found a brilliant movie I laughed with. In the end I wasn't sure whether I should condemn Vernon or laud his brilliance. It's certainly the first time I ever thought about the mindset of the killer in a slasher film, and thanks to this film, it probably won't be the last.

Four and a half stars out of five.

And So It Begins

Hey there boys and girls! It's 2008, and with the new year came this strange desire to write. Of course, the first problem was figuring out what to write about. Thankfully, a friend of mine made a great suggestion. I loves me some horror movies, and so I think it will be really cool to share that love with you guys. Hopefully in the near future I'll get some reviews up, look at some common characteristics in good horror and bad horror (not that bad horror can't be entertaining, quite the contrary, in fact), that sort of stuff. I've got a fantastic movie in mind for my first review, so hopefully I'll get that written by tomorrow.

Until next time, kiddies!